The Gospel According to Me

Parade the good things you do in front of others so they can admire you and see how awesome you are. When you give to the needy, make sure the press is there to cover the story so other churches can see how wonderful you are. Give your business card with food cards and post pictures of your compassion on Facebook. That will really impress people -- and probably really impress God.

And when you pray, stand up in front of others and in Walmart and other busy places so people can see how real your faith is. Be sure to use lots of words -- big words with many syllables so you can impress simple people. It also helps to add a lot of thee's, thou's and thine's to your prayers even though you don't use them in your ordinary day to day speech. And when you pray, be sure to give God your wish list of everything you want him to do for you.

And when you take time to seek God, make it look like you're really suffering through it so people will think you are so amazing for suffering for Jesus. Let everyone know all the stuff you are doing for God -- and how inconvenient it is -- but don't look like you're having a good time at it. The more it looks like you're miserable, the more people will think you're pretty incredible for doing it.

Now read Matthew 6:1-18 for the real Gospel.